I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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