I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
