who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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