I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
