I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
