If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
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Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
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You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.