It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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