I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
