I don't usually arrange sex via text message
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
