So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
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She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
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She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize