I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
They have beer where we have blood.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
