Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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