I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
two words...techno handjob
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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