i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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