My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
