That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
