you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
