I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
