I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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