I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
