I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
