fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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