I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
