i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
