I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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