I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
