a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
