it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
