So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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