I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
