so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
