You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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