You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
