I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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