There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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