i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
