no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
