If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
