Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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