If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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