Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
