Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
