im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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