And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
