Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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