Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
