The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
