my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
im about as happy as oj after his trial
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
