She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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