you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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