I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
