I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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