I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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