I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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