me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
