i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
