So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He felt like a one man threesome
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This baby is an asshole
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
